


a broken plea to the dead man's lover

by thominhomo



Series: cranks & roses [1]
Category: The Maze Runner (2014), The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Before the Maze, M/M, The Death Cure, The Death Cure Spoilers, crank!newt, i dont know what im doing, im sorry it sucks, please read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 10:58:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3975550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thominhomo/pseuds/thominhomo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas woke with tear-stained cheeks and his clothes soaked in sweat. It wasn't a nightmare-it felt real. And maybe it was. It was not so impossible- that the last thing he wished for in his dream was the first thing he was wishing for right now. His memories could be wiped, but what he and Newt had- it was strong enough to glue them back together, even as circumstances broke them apart.<br/> <br/>Thomas wanted to get up, and find Newt and tell him everything. He wondered if he would believe him. He wondered if Newt could still find an old memory worth salvaging in his rotting brain. He wondered if he could still do anything to save him, because he couldn't lose him too. Not after everything.</p><p>The note he gave throbbed in Thomas's pocket, like it held all the answers to his questions. He swore he wouldn't open it until 'the right time', but they both knew Thomas was lying.<br/> <br/>[ the bold parts are from the the death cure itself, chapter 15 and 21. all credits goes to james. ]</p>
            </blockquote>





	a broken plea to the dead man's lover

**"Newt!" Thomas shouted**.  He couldn't bear to lose Newt like this- just when they were so close to escaping WICKED. He swallowed the lump in his throat.  **"Don't be stupid- we have to move. And we need to stick together."**  

But what he wanted to say was _Stay with me, Newt._ He knew he was already losing _him_ and right there Thomas swore he would do everything to save him. He wanted to say something - anything - to glean even just a little bit of what was going through Newt's mind, of the virus that's devouring his brain. He could sense the flare eating its way through Newt's brain, could sense it driving him insane and the pain Newt feels- it echoes a thousand times to Thomas, and the worst part of it all was that he didn't know what to do to make him feel better, to make everything okay again.  _Because there is no goddamned cure._

 

-

 

 **Newt kept going. He didn't even turn to look at Thomas.** He couldn't dare look at Thomas again- or he wouldn't be able to do it. He wouldn't even want to leave him- doesn't even want to. But he couldn't keep going like this either- he wanted this more than he wanted anything in the world. He wanted this twice now- and this time he hoped the love of his life can deliver. _He just wanted to stop it all- to end the pain. To die sane. To die in the arms of his first love, the only person he'll ever love._

He fought to keep his voice steady. **"Just go get the stuff! This'll only take a couple of minutes."** He hoped it would.

 

-

 

Thomas just stood there, dumbfounded. The Newt he knew from the glade wouldn't walk away on him like that- would make sure everyone gets to safety before he even does. But **the world of the glade seems eons ago.** The world where, for a moment, Thomas could convince himself he still knew the feeling of true happiness and safety- and he only ever felt that right when he was in Newt's arms. Both of them still didn't have their memories before the glade, but that didn't matter now, because remembering the moments the two of them spent sneaking out in the deadheads, hiding somewhere in the glade where no one would look at them and tell them to 'stop with their heart eyes and touching', was lost somewhere in Newt's brain and he couldn't bear to think about it ever being forgotten by the only person who deserved everything. _Hell, he'd trade all his memories any day of the week just so Newt could keep his. What they had- it wasn't meant to be forgotten._

 **He just shook his head** , trying to shake away his tears. It was all he could do to try and not break down in front of everybody. He needed to keep moving, for Brenda, for Minho. Most importantly, he needed to get Newt somewhere safe.

  
 

-

  
 

Newt tried to keep his hands steady. He never expected it to be easy. Nothing has been easy for him ever since the day he woke up in the glade, except when his Tommy's eyes and hands and beautiful voice is there to reassure him that _it's okay, you can do this._

 _Just breathe._  That's what he always used to say. Newt wish he could. Wish he could do a lot before he passed his own sentence.

He breathed. Gets his head together as best as he can. Clenched the pen in his fingers, and started writing.

 

-

  
 

 **"Do you remember what I told you in the truck, back in the city?" Brenda asked Thomas.** Thomas froze in his tracks. _No, no, she couldn't mean those things._

" **What?" he asked** , and he couldn't even get the next question out. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer.  **"You mean some of the things you said were true?"**

She nodded, and for the hundredth time Thomas felt his own world crashing down in his shoulders. He was having trouble breathing, but he didn't dare show it. _Of course. It's true. It's how the_ killzone _works when it has the flare._

 **"...We talked about how increased levels of brain activity actually quicken the pace of destruction- it's called cognitive destruction..."** Brenda babbled on about, but Thomas wasn't hearing any of it. He wanted to punch Brenda for sounding like a WICKED lab tool. Minho said something, and Brenda kept speaking. Thomas wanted to scream at her to stop. Just stop saying all those things like WICKED themselves told her to punch those words right into Thomas's gut. There was ringing in his ears and he wanted it to stop- wanted everything to stop. He could hear himself screaming but he knew he wasn't doing it and instead he was just frozen in place. He didn't want to, but he heard Brenda utter the words he dreaded to hear.

**"...Think of the hell Newt has been through- all the decisions he's had to make. No wonder the flare is moving so fast in him. He's been simulated too much- way more than the average person living their life day to day."**

Upon hearing it, Thomas had never wanted to cry like a baby so bad. **The sadness he felt earlier was gripping his heart again** \- harder this time, like the sadness is a monster who existed solely to crush his heart to pieces. And it did. He could hear his own heart shattering above all the deafening silence that ensued afterward. He didn't let it last long enough. **"Well, there's nothing we can do about it until we get somewhere safer."** He croaked out. He couldn't even hear himself speaking, but of course he always had to be the rational one. He didn't want to hear anything else- or anyone else's voice rather than _Newt's._

And that's exactly what he heard.

And he didn't mean for him to hear it. _That there's nothing he can do to save him._

 

  
-

 

 

 **"Do about what?"** Newt almost didn't want to ask. _Do about him,_ of course. To save him. Because that's what Thomas thought, that he couldn't save Newt. But he can. _He can._  He will be the one to save Newt, like he's done a thousand times before. But this time, when he falls into Thomas's arms one last time, he will feel the safest he have ever felt since he started his life in the glade.

  

-

 

 **Thomas turned to see Newt in the doorway again** , and it reminded him of those times in the glade when it was peaceful and quiet and they had nothing to do but to carry on, when _he would turn to see Newt there, smiling. And that grin would send a wave of reassurance through Thomas, as if he were finding out the world was okay again._ But this time he wasn't smiling. He looked upset, even. And this time it was that expression he always seemed to wear ever since he found out the truth that he was a crank- that made Thomas think that nothing in the world would ever be okay again. If he couldn't fix Newt, could he ever even fix himself? **He closed his eyes for a moment, pulled himself together.** Newt didn't need anymore burden in his shoulders. **"Nothing, never mind. Where'd you go?"** He hated how he had to disguise his worry for him.

Newt looked at him dead in the eye, and it was barely audible but he swore he heard his voice crack. **"I need to talk to you, Tommy.  Just you. It'll only take a second."**

What was it that Newt was doing?

 **"What's this crap?" Minho asked.** Minho definitely wasn't helping. First, he fist fights Newt and now he couldn't even care less to be a little polite. Which only made Thomas worry more. He was the one with the only sensible mind working left in their group, and if he would let his emotions affect him, then there would be no chance of them ever getting out of WICKED.

Newt looked too tired to even argue, and Thomas wanted to give him a hug and carry him somewhere safe. **"Just cut me some slack. I need to give something to Tommy here. Tommy and no one else?"**

Thomas was confused. He didn't know Newt still owned anything valuable that he'd like to leave for Thomas. Was it some sort of paraphernalia he was meant to keep and remember him by? _It's time to send away your crank boyfriend to his death, Tommy. So here, keep my handmade ring, and promise me you won't forget._

Whatever it was- he couldn't wait to find out. He knew they needed to hurry or else they'll never make it out of WICKED, but Thomas also wanted to know what Newt has been up to. **Thomas stepped into the hall with Newt, scared to death of what his** _friend_ **might say and how crazy it might sound.** And whatever he was giving away. 

 **Newt stopped and faced him, then held out a small sealed envelope. "Stuff this in your pocket."** He said. He sounded perfectly normal, the way he would order him around in the glade. But he still wore the same expression. And of course, _it was a letter._ Thomas wanted to laugh at how absurd he had been thinking. Of course the last thing Newt would give him was a letter, not a pendant or a small rock or anything. _A letter_.

**"What is it?" Thomas took it and turned it over; it was blank on the outside.**

**"Just put the bloody thing in your pocket."**

**Thomas did as he was told, confused but curious.**

**"Now look me in the eyes." Newt snapped his fingers.**

**Thomas' stomach sank at the anguish he saw there.** He was sure he couldn't take it- looking at his eyes without seeing the sadness in them that used to be full of light. The flare snuffed out the fire burning in his eyes and replaced it with hopelessness, and it was one of the worst things Thomas has had the unfortune of seeing. To see something so beautiful turn into something so horrid. He couldn't hold his gaze any longer. So he closed his eyes, and without thinking, grabbed Newt's face and touched their lips together. He hadn't meant for it to last, he just wanted to know the feeling of his lips against his, _to remember what if felt like._ He had memorized his lips for so long he knew he could never forget exactly where the curves are, the way it felt when Newt would part his lips together with his tongue and how his heart would either skip or stop for a moment then beat so fast he's afraid it would break free from his rib cage. He broke it off when he felt a tear touch his cheeks. It wasn't his.

Newt was crying. It was silent, little tears, falling one at a time. Newt didn't wipe them off, didn't even give an effort to hide his sniffling. Thomas took Newt's face in his hands again, his thumbs skimming his tear-stained cheeks.

 **"What is it?"** Thomas whispered. He didn't know whether he was asking what's the matter- why he's crying, if he finally just broke down because not one time had he seen him cry after hearing the declaration that he wasn't immune. Or whether he was asking what was in the goddamned envelope that made Newt snap. He just wanted to know how to fix him- how to make him okay.

Newt just shook his head. **"You don't need to know right now. You** _can't_ **know. But you have to make me a promise."**

"Newt...I-" Thomas wanted to cry himself. He didn't know what to do. He just knew that he wanted to be with him. Make every second they have alone count, and last forever. 

**"You swear to me that you won't read what's inside that bloody envelope until the time is right."**

**Thomas couldn't imagine waiting to read it- he started to pull the envelope out of his pocket, but Newt grabbed his arm to stop him.**

"Tommy! Swear to me!" Newt's voice was broken. His tears coming in faster. Before Thomas could even speak, Newt lunged forward and pounced, slamming Thomas against the wall and connecting their lips once more. Newt kissed him hard, with his tears touching Thomas's cheeks and Thomas swore he could feel Newt pouring everything he felt, everything he wanted and everything he needed but couldn't say. In that moment, Thomas swore he lost the ability to form sensible thoughts, and he kissed him back with just as much _feelings and emotions that he couldn't even comprehend._ Newt kept biting and licking and devouring him like he was afraid he'd vanish the next second. When Newt pulled away, both of them are breathing hard, their lips red and swollen. Newt's chest was heaving, and his grip on Thomas' shoulder too tight.

"Swear to me." Newt croaked, looking down. He still hasn't stopped crying. "Swear to me, swear to me!" He screamed, right at Thomas's face.

And Thomas couldn't take to see him so broken. "Hey, come on, come here. Just breathe, okay?" He pulled Newt closer and held him. Newt put his head on the crook of his neck. "Swear to me, swear to me..." he kept whispering. Thomas rubbed his back, up and down like he always did. He wanted to make himself believe he was keeping Newt safe in his arms- that no one would come for him and he'll always be right beside him. But they both know how much of a lie it is.

Thomas took a deep breath. Then lie he would do.

_"I swear."_

  
  
-

 

**CHAPTER 21**

 

They'd done it. Escaped WICKED. Then they were flying to a city called Denver. All the while, the note in Thomas's pocket burned. It was the only thing he could think of.

Jorge had said that **he wanted everyone else to take a nap since it would take a few more hours to reach the city. After that, who knew how long it would be before they found a place to stay for the night.**

Thomas didn't want to be alone. He wanted to sleep next to Newt, feel his arms around him and his lips against him. He didn't know it was possible, but he craved him more and more everyday. But he was slowly slipping away, he knew it, of course. That was why he came to treasure every little second- every little gaze they shared even more.

He didn't know if it was the same thing Newt wanted. After he gave him the note he'd gone to great lengths to avoid him. Only speaking to him if he needed to. He knew what Newt was trying to do. Trying to distance himself from him so it wouldn't hurt too bad for the both of them when the unthinkable happens. But he wouldn't let that happen.

Thomas would find a cure for him. Would scour the whole scorch if he needs to. He'd go through all the trials again and again if that's what it would take to save him. But he also knew they'd never find a cure, and he didn't know what he'd do when he finally lose all of him.

 **He thought about their escape and all that had happened along the way.** So much trouble, just to find out the only person you've ever loved was dying from a disease you were trying to find a cure for. Thomas swore he could see the universe laughing back at him, as if it was some kind of a sick joke. That it just so happened he was the one who put him there. He was the one who gave him a death sentence. He couldn't spend another minute thinking about the horror of it all. **Finally sleep took him from all these thoughts, and he dreamed.**

 

_**He's only twelve years old, sitting in a chair facing another man, who looks unhappy to be there. They're in a room with an observation window.** _

_"Thomas," the sad man begins. "You've been a little...distant lately. I need you to come back to what's important. You and Teresa are doing well with your telepathy, and things are moving forward nicely by all estimations. It's time to refocus."_

**_Thomas feels shame, and then shame at being ashamed._ **

_For some reason, he knows exactly why. He feels ashamed for putting them there. He feels ashamed for sending his best friends to a maze with no exit. He feels ashamed for doing nothing as they watch them include Newt's name to the list of the first ones they're sending up. He feels ashamed for not protecting him._

_**It confuses him, makes him want to run away, back to his dorm.** Back to his dorm where Newt should be waiting. Back in his dorm where they're supposed to lie together and whisper things in each other's ears and share secrets with each other. Back in his dorm where they're supposed to be _happy.

 ** _The man senses it._** He knows, _Thomas thought to himself._ He knows why I'm feeling this. He knows about Newt.

_**"We won't leave this room until I'm satisfied with your commitment." The words are like a death sentence handed down by a heartless judge. "You'll answer my questions, and the sincerity better bleed from your pores. Do you understand?"** His eyes seem to tell him a different story. His eyes are telling him to stop thinking about Newt. To stop thinking about the horrible thing he's done for him._

_Thomas nods._

_The man asks him questions, questions about the flare and their purpose- why WICKED was formed and why Thomas is behind all of it._

_**Thomas lets it all out in a rush- word for word, as he memorized it long ago.** _

_But it doesn't matter._

_**He keeps going and he doesn't stop, breathing in and out with the words that he hates.** _

**_The dreaming Thomas turns and runs away, runs to the darkness._ **

_And in the darkness he found light, the warmest of smiles, and the brightest shade of golden hair he's ever seen. Thomas wept and wept and wept in the arms of the boy he loved, hoping, screaming and begging for one more- one more chance to save him._

 

Thomas woke with tear-stained cheeks and his clothes soaked in sweat. It wasn't a nightmare-it felt real. And maybe it was. It was not so impossible- that the last thing he wished for in his dream was the first thing he was wishing for right now. His memories could be wiped, but what he and Newt had- it was strong enough to glue them back together, even as circumstances broke them apart.

Thomas wanted to get up, and find Newt and tell him everything. He wondered if he would believe him. He wondered if Newt could still find an old memory worth salvaging in his rotting brain. He wondered if he could still do anything to save him, because he couldn't lose him too. Not after everything.

The note he gave throbbed in Thomas's pocket, like it held all the answers to his questions. He swore he wouldn't open it until 'the right time', but they both knew Thomas was lying.

 **He pulled the envelope out of his pocket and ripped it open, then took out the slip of paper.** Thomas stared at it. He didn't know what to expect. Some love letter with a sappy message? Instead he found two sentences, two short sentences enough to destroy his whole world.

 

 _Kill me. If you've ever_ _~~been my friend~~ _ _loved me, kill me._

 

**Thomas read it over and over, wishing the words would change. To think that he had been so scared that he'd had the foresight to write those words made him sick to his stomach. He wanted to avoid the inevitable fate of becoming a Crank.**

And Thomas- Thomas could never say no to Newt. He'd give him the whole universe if he could.

But this was the only exception.

 

-

 

Sometimes the intense need and desire to touch and breathe next to someone else is enough to drive you insane. The Flare will slowly kill you, work it's way around your brain and destroy your identity- but _loving someone and having to stay away from them_ will kill you in the slowest way possible. Sitting alone in the cold, hard floor against a cold, hard wall trying not to think about the only thing you have left to lose wasn't exactly helping Newt slow the process.

He couldn't think straight- that much he knew. All his thoughts eventually return to  _What if Tommy opened the note? What would he do? What would he th-_

They used to say speak of the devil and he shall appear. Did they ever say the same thing about angels? Thomas burst through the door, his face masked with tears and the sight alone was enough to drive Newt more insane than he already was. "What were you thinking?" Thomas's voice broke as he asked.

 Well, that was certainly a funny question. He was thinking about 200 things per second. Newt knew better than to humor his way out of this. He knew he opened the note, and he was mad. He almost wanted to laugh. Of course Tommy would open the goddamned note before the time is right and get mad about it. "You know what I was thinking."

Thomas didn't budge. Instead, he covered his mouth with his hands, as if he couldn't believe he was saying this. _He's looking at Newt like he wasn't the Newt he knew already._ "Actually, no. I don't know what you're thinking." He held up the piece of paper that held his whole life. "I don't know if this is the flare who wrote this. But even if this was you, you know I can't do it. You of all people- you know that."

Newt laughed humorlessly. Of course Tommy still didn't get it. He raised his voice a little higher. "And you'd rather let me turn into a monster? Is that what you want?"

Newt would give anything to take back what he said. The hurt in Thomas's eyes- it sent daggers through his heart.

"That's not what I want!" Thomas was raising his voice, too. "I want you to live. I want you to be okay. I want you to stay by my side." he bowed his head, then in a lower voice, he said, "I want you to be happy."

Newt stood up, and took long strides to where Thomas was. He cupped his chin in his palm and tilted his head up, forcing Thomas to look at him. Newt swore if there's something- one significant detail in his life that he'd never want to forget- it would be Thomas's eyes. The way they tell everything he's feeling, the way they light up when they see _his face_. "And have you ever thought about what I want?" Newt whispered back at him. He didn't let go of his face, instead he moved his hand towards his cheek, touching it faintly.

Thomas's brows wrinkled ever so slightly- like he was genuinely thinking about what Newt wants. Newt smiled sadly. "I want to die as myself." He snorted, then laughed a little because he couldn't believe he was about to say what he was going to say. "Hell, I want to die in your bloody arms. I trusted you with my life, Tommy. Because I know you're strong enough to do this." His grip tightened in his cheek as he felt one tear graze his own hand.

Thomas was trying to fight back his tears in vain. "I can't- I can't do that-" Thomas was shaking now, and Newt could see from the corner of his eye that he was clenching his fists so hard his knuckles were white. "I can't lose you too." Thomas's voice broke- and it was enough to make Newt cry himself. He fought to keep his tears at bay- and instead he brought Thomas's face even closer to his and locked their lips together. It wasn't the same kiss they shared back at WICKED- needy, desperate, as if they were both trying to cling to what remains of each other. This kiss was soft, like they were savoring every last minute. To Newt, it almost felt like goodbye. He pulled away.

Newt sighed deeply. He was tired and all he wants to do is lay down with Thomas, and pretend as if everything was okay again. But he couldn't. "You have to let me go, Tommy.", he said instead.

Thomas just shook his head. "Never." And his lips were on him again. On his lips, his neck, everywhere. Newt got lost in Thomas's lips once again, and in that moment he knew that it was okay to break and lose himself, as long as Tommy was there to put him back together.

But Newt could see it coming. Sooner or later he'll be way past the gone- and he wasn't so sure whether he's the only one who'll lost everything in the process.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to write crank!newt so I'm sorry if he doesn't sound or think like one here. this is my first newtmas fic that I actually wanted to write 'till the end so let me know if you like it because I planned for this to be a series :-) three fics. this is the first, second is when Thomas meets newt in the crank palace, and last is 250. if you liked this one, i'll write them all :D anyway, enjoy the pain (I hope this is painful hahah)
> 
> I also wanted to add smut (which I have no idea how to write acceptable ones) and probably more fluff, but I'm really not good with those. also im sorry it's not that descriptive it's more of what went through their heads. 
> 
>  
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! bye


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